“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
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Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.