Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Monica just destroyed the internet
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
me when the borders lift
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”