Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this