Let’s be honest, if I were to time travel to medieval Europe, I’d drink all the mead, and then promptly forget what I was there to do

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My fan has two settings:
– Barely moving.
– Could propel a hovercraft across the Everglades.


Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.


On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.


{At the art museum with my newborn son}
baby: dada?
Me: it’s impressionist you stupid baby


“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook


Two praying mantis’ sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I

Oh shit, did you see that? Daaaamn. She straight up ate him.


[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]


Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.


If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party