@ChaseMit

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

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@TEXASVETERAN

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

@Redfiascos

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

@Dutch_50

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

@MeetMrAhmeed

Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking

@mrjohndarby

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

@better_off_dad2

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

@Pierre__4

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

@MikeCanRant

People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements

@mojo_bones_

My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana