Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
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It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
translated into Canadian
Dammit Chief not again
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it