Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

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I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.


I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.


I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.


Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking


I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another


The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.


If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind


People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements


My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana