Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
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I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!