The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
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Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
(Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass
(Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir”
I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.