Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

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The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.


Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.


[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom


CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.


ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?



What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!


ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”


Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper


[Juice Bar]

(Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass

(Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir”

*hyenas laugh*


I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.