Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:


I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.


I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.



ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere


If countries don’t want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!



Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*


Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.


dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now


me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount