straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
If countries don’t want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount