@WilliamAder

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

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@invalaid

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

@samalmightysam

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

@lmwortho

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

@TheHyyyype

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

@michaelianblack

If countries don’t want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!

@sixfootcandy

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

@KelseyCook

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.

@MNateShyamalan

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount