Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was