“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
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“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.