@UncleDuke1969

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

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@2tickytacky

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

@enclaire

Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.

@OuterJohn

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

@sofarrsogud

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

@hashtag_stacks

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

@HatfieldAnne

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

@DaddyJew

Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife

@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.