Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
You Might Also Like
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Skills
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Does it…does it take 3 days