Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
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Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
yea so i messed up lol
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.