Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

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If you want to know how many hours your mom was in labor with you, tell her you won’t be able to come over & visit.


Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their “eating disorder”.


Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake


Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?


My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.


Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.


*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.


movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else


ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*