boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
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Match dot com, but for socks.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Ken is short for chicken
how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”