Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

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boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak


Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”


As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.


I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.


Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.


how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now


I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.