Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
The cashier just checked me out.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on