Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
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I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Coffee for people with no kids
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
🤭😂
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.