Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Who does Amazon think I am?
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit