@Dad_At_Law

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

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@bombsydoll

[at dentist office]

Well you gave me this paper bib and said to put it on how was I to know I wasn’t supposed to undress first

@noog

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

@squirrel74wkgn

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

@BK_Blonde

I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.

1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves

@nicky_prada

People get so shocked when I tell them I’ve raised two kids alone, got my PHD in Psychotherapy, work full time during the have a night job and a successful business from home. I maintain all friendships and a social life and donate to charity. Anything is possible when you lie

@Trisarahjtops

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

@That_Damn_Duck

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

@Smooheed

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit