Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
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Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety