@torrami: "Let's give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
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@TySmithdrums: I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I'm speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn't know who did it
@AngelaEhh: When people say 'oh, you're still single?' I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married?' I'm popular.
@Brampersandon_: [Mom]: My son's voice is changing [Dr.]: Thats normal at his age [Mom]: This is normal? *fax machine noises are coming from the kid's mouth*
@Sarcasticsapien: On Halloween I'm going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we're going through with this election.