“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Donating blood today to make room for more food
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.