“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
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NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I am also baked goods
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.