“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
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We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My birth announcement for our third baby
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.