Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Finally, an explanation.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Goat cheese is for herders.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.