Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
You Might Also Like
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
He-man has a Masters degree
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.