Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
You Might Also Like
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably