Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
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A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Strange
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.