Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.