@mommajessiec

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

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@BriarSly

Question: If a King runs a Kingdom…& an Emperor runs an Empire…

Who runs a country?

@batkaren

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

@rudy_mustang

God: then you become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yeah lol the “rest”

Caterpillar: how long

God:

Caterpillar: how long God

@IamEveryDayPpl

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

@brynnester

I’m dating a girl who owns a broken guitar. No strings attached

@YayForJam

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

@ElKnuckelhombre

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.