Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Haha! 😂
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies