Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
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{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.