Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
OKAY DAD
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?