let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
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I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.