@SocialustGal13: Let's make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I'll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?
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@Sean_Burgundy_: Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender Me: Wouldn't you rather have your life together?
@matt___nelson: [at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I'm a koala] Waiter: "what can I get u?" "do u have any eucalyptus?" *restaurant goes quiet*
@susie_qsie: Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months? Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.