“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Breaking news:
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?