@SocialustGal13

Let’s make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I’ll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?

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@dumbbeezie

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

@IamJackBoot

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

@MatCro

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

@BlackJerms

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

@TheToddWilliams

[Eating ribs at BBQ Joint]
“Would you like a Wet-Nap?”
No thanks, I had one this afternoon.

@mrjohndarby

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

@PleaseBeGneiss

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

@DWaitress

You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.

@avxlanche

me: mom i like this person from twitter

mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD

@sonictyrant

[Picking up elderly in-laws at the airport]

WIFE: was renting the hearse absolutely necessary?

ME: renting?