Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Let’s make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I’ll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?
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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[Eating ribs at BBQ Joint]
“Would you like a Wet-Nap?”
No thanks, I had one this afternoon.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.
me: mom i like this person from twitter
mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD
[Picking up elderly in-laws at the airport]
WIFE: was renting the hearse absolutely necessary?