Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
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me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Cool shirt 🙂
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…