agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
You Might Also Like
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂