Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
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BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.