Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
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How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible