Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
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Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
War & Peace
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
the composer
Beware of the dog..
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism