Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel