Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
You Might Also Like
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?