@Mr_Kapowski

Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them

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@notviking

her: we even finish each other’s s-
me: -omebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed she was looki

@ThisLocalHater

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

@Girl_Censored

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

@freypalm

Cowboy: Wake up Lou—somethin’s spookin’ the horses.

[outside]

Horse: [shining flashlight in face] But this “Apple Store”… HAD NO APPLES.

@samalmightysam

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

@radtoria

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

@sarah1mc

I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.

@joshgondelman

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

@VintageKriner

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.