Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them

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her: we even finish each other’s s-
me: -omebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed she was looki


Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet


I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.


Cowboy: Wake up Lou—somethin’s spookin’ the horses.


Horse: [shining flashlight in face] But this “Apple Store”… HAD NO APPLES.


-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!


People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.


I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.


Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!


“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.