*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
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I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!