“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
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Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body