“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I wish I could veto my bills.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.