Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
doing your own taxes
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.