wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
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It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
There are usually two types of merchants.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Day 2 of my diet
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can