First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
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Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
is nasa ok
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’