Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
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I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET