Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…
Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.
That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.