@electrolemon

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

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@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

@ch000ch

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

@TheRealPalMal

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

@HelsNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…

@tat2dsoccermom

Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.

@Gooooats

That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?

@thepunningman

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

@tastefactory

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

@protolalia

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.