Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
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Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.