Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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January has been Januweary
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best