@IDontSpeakWhine

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

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@Parker_Simpson

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@i_zzzzzz

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

@darrinfb

It’s so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.

@QuiteQuietOne

I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.

– 4 year old logic

@rainbowrowell

These protests are PLANNED. These opposition groups are ORGANIZED. My enemies are USING CALENDARS. Someone signed up to BRING DOUGHNUTS.

@joejwest

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

@mikealfredcaine

my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin

@GimmieTheHam

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

@MartaEffing

When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.