If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
It’s so hot outside I almost called my ex over so I could stand by something shady.
I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.
– 4 year old logic
These protests are PLANNED. These opposition groups are ORGANIZED. My enemies are USING CALENDARS. Someone signed up to BRING DOUGHNUTS.
DATE: I’m leaving
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.